I am still an alcholic but spell better now

This June I will be 10 years sober. Ten years without a drink, a drunk, or a hangover. I don’t know if I thought I’d last this long on the day I quit, but now it seems too long for what it felt like. It went by too fast, like times does, and felt too easy in retrospect. That got me curious about what it was like in the early days, which fortunately or unfortunately I can go back and read about because this blog is also 10 years old.

I also wanted to do something special to celebrate 10 years sober. In the first year, I went to AA meetings and took coins. I remember how good it felt to get the 1 month coin and then I remember the 3 month, 9 month, and 1 year coins, though there were others in between. I still have them.

But I stopped going to meetings, and what I remember is the disdain some long-timers had for people who just showed up on year anniversaries to take coins. One woman I respected felt it gave the impression you didn’t really need AA to get or stay sober. I happen to know that is true for some. And then there are people with 1 year or 10 or even 25+ years who go to meetings. They go because it helps them stay sober or because they are driven by a higher purpose.

It’s only because of those with sobriety that meetings work. Who would run meetings if everyone was a newcomer? Who would give newcomers hope that it works, that sobriety is better than drinking?

To celebrate 10 years, I thought it would be fun (for me) to go back to posts from the early days of sobriety. Do I remember feeling whatever way I was feeling? Do I still feel that way? Does anything surprise me, or do I know better now?

It’s the clip show of blogs. But I miss writing and the connections that came from it. For added fun, I will include old photos from the approximate time of each post because I’ve also had an instagram 10 years. I have shoes older than that, but I’ll leave them out of this.

This was a picture of an albino deer I used to see on walks around my neighborhood. I was the only one in my family who ever saw it, but luckily captured this grainy photo of a ghost deer as “proof”. I think that is the last time I saw it. I think it would make a nice painting.

I started this blog about two months into sobriety. My first post was titled Am I an alcholic? I always considered myself a careful speller, so it’s funny that it took me ten years to catch that typo. It’s like looking at old wedding photos and noticing your slip was showing or your fly was down.

The post itself is short and the jist is that other people might tell you that you drink too much, but it’s up to you to decide if you’re an alcholic/alcoholic. I was kind of hung on up the A word back then.

This was from my second blog post, which incidentally posted on the same day as the first. I had no readers at that point but a lot to say:

I know this has been done before: the diary of a drunk housewife/mom/functioning member of society.

So why am I so excited to blog about my recovery? I really don’t know. But I am.

I have just over 60 days of sobriety right now, which to veterans in the twelve-step world is little more than a drop in the bucket, though something to hold close and tightly and be incredibly proud of.

To people who are still drinking but want to stop, it’s a pretty significant chunk of time.

To those who are still drinking and don’t want to stop, it’s a ridiculous amount of time.

I’ve been all three of the above, so that seems like a good topic to blog about next…

Would I be a veteran now? I think so. Do I consider 60 days a drop in the bucket? That depends. If you’re talking about 60 regular days, as in two months on a calendar in any given year, then yes, that is a drop in the bucket. You sneeze and it’s gone and two more months are up at bat.

But 60 days of sober time is like a million years. Even though 10 years flew by, those first 60 days were slowed down frame by frame so that I remember more bits and pieces compared to any other two-month period of my life. Same applies to the first 30 days sober and the first two weeks and the first 24 hours. They are sharper and clearer, either from fear and discomfort or hope or just the miracle of not-drinking.

Up Next: Nirvana or lack thereof, two readers, and an unaddressed 3-month absence from blogging. I must have been getting busy getting sober.

13 thoughts on “I am still an alcholic but spell better now

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  1. This post made me really think of how easy it seems to be sober now (3 years 8 months sober), but how hard it was when I remember the first days/weeks/months of sobriety. I went back through the journal that I wrote during the first days of sobriety after reading this and it was a good reminder of how hard the struggle was at that point and how slowly the time passed counting sober days. So glad to be on this side of life!

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    1. Agreed! People told me it would get easier. Not life, but that not drinking would get easier. It’s an abstract thing to grasp early on but it’s true and a strong message to pass along.

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  2. Congratulations, good for you, the 60 days/million years and the whole ten years, impressive
    You can have that photo printed on canvas, I’ve done a couple that way, it would make a great painting. There’s white deer on the old army depot land near my hometown, a herd with a recessive gene got trapped behind the wire fences they put up in 1941 and they’re still there. Maybe the one you were seeing wandered off the reservation.

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    1. It makes me happy to hear the herd is still in your hometown. Sad that they were trapped, I guess, but probably why they’re still around. I’m not sure if the one I saw was a true albino or a piebald deer. I recall one of my daughter’s friends said she’d seen it before and called it piebald. Either way, further proof it existed!

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      1. It’s mostly good, there’s thousands of acres, lots of woods and grass, and even though it was Army land, no one was shooting at them. I’ve seen them, but never got a good photo. They said the all-white business was a genetic quirk, and had nothing to do with the nuclear weapons they had stored there – it’s the federal government, so you know it must be true! I’m glad you got the photo and could prove you were really seeing it. I probably would’ve photoshopped on a horn and made it a unicorn.

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  3. Congratulations on 10 years.
    I am 7 years. I don’t really think about drinking on a normal basis. I love being clear headed and available and mentally well and generally happy and content, which is how I see my life.

    That said…I have had some huge trauma in sobriety where I had to cling to my belief that sobriety was helping me make it through…days where I desperately wanted to drown out pain.

    I like being able to look back at my blog, or others, like yours, and remind myself that, yes, sobriety is a precious gift that I give myself. It is an act of self love, compassion and preservation.

    Clearly we rock!
    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Love that photo, I actually thought it was a painting. And how in some ways the feeling it evokes matches some feeling embedded in your writing or posts perhaps…I won’t force it but think it’s there. Thanks for sharing your stories, a real inspiration, and looking forward to more. More Kristen! Be well.

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  5. Hi Kristen! I have found some really bad grammar and typos in my older blogs, but, dammit, they did the job anyway. Congrats on your 10 years, that really is a thing. Definitely print your photo on some type of art media, it’s rather haunting and would make a nice hallway picture. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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