Garbage

I stepped outside this morning for a run and found two trash bags ripped and strewn about the road. As I picked it up like a pissed off Yosemite Sam, I realized this was no ordinary garbage.

A dozen cans of Keystone Light…a cheap looking bottle of Tangerine Vodka…a half-drunk, capped half gallon of OJ (would you like a sugar coma with that blackout?)… plus – most puzzling of all – an empty box of Townhouse Crackers.

I could play all high and mighty, but the sight of a flattened can of Keystone Light took me back here. 

Disclaimer: though the above picture is actually me at age 19, I am not actually pregnant. I have a pillow up my dress and did not look this cute while carrying actual human beings inside my uterus. I faked pregnancy in order to confuse a gas station clerk long enough to buy two six-packs of Keystone Light at the beach. It worked. This was far from the most desperate thing I did in the name of alcohol. I’m so glad camera phones weren’t around in the 90s. 

I like to think the Keystone Light-Tangerine Blackout party I picked up after this morning was from teenagers. Drunk teens might be more likely to throw empties out the window of a moving car. But would teenagers have the forethought to pack drawstring trashbags? What about the townhouse crackers? Can somebody please explain the townhouse crackers?

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33 thoughts on “Garbage

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  1. Crackers? That’s easy. You come home from work–decide you would rather drink your calories, then about 11:00 p.m. after 6 or so beers, you decide you really need to eat dinner—something “light” like however many crackers are left in the box- and accompanying peanut butter. Been there-done that.

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  2. Great story!

    Crackers . . . perhaps someone who has done some advance planning as in – I haven’t eaten all day and I am going to mix this vodka with beer so I best get something into my stomach first so I can keep the mix down.

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  3. Crackers = Hangover Food.

    Or maybe the cracker box was already in the trash bag, and they just grabbed any ole bag instead of a new one?

    Maybe they went to the park to drink and feed the wild geese?

    Great pic 🙂

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    1. You’re too good or the cracker question too easy. I almost got chased by a goose this morning btw. He gave me the stink eye anyway so I sped up. Geese might improve my pace.

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      1. You don’t even want to know the other ideas I had pop into my head.
        (Oatmeal: made of vodka and crackers; Crackers and OJ for the Designated Driver; Townhouse cracker employee; Crackers as an impulse buy at the liquor store (“hey, we have Townhouse crackers on sale today for a buck. You want I should add them on?”); Crackers to dip in beer like milk and cookies, only crackers and beer; Maybe when they’re drunk they walk around town with the crackers and ask everyone, “Polly, wanna cracker?” … I’ll spare you the rest, LOL)

        Not that I would know anything about any of the above.

        And, don’t be scared. Stare those gooses down. (see what I did there?) Give ’em the stink eye right back.

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      2. I don’t know how I feel anymore about wearing my arch nemesis in a vest or resting my head every night on a pillow made from his “hair”. I think I feel creepy.

        Plausible theories, all of them. I especially like how you worked in milk and cookies. Good work, detective!

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  4. CSI here, eh?

    I’d be horrified to wonder what someone would have thought if they went through my own trash when I was hammering vodka, eating piles of Jamaican beef patties, oreos, and fast food burgers. Then again, nix that, because I dropped my bottles off all around the city so that my wife wouldn’t hear them rattling when the garbage truck came and emptied the bin into the truck 🙂

    Ugh…the not so good ol days.

    (Nice pic…lol)

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    1. My first thought, Paul, was that some animal had gotten into our garbage cans. They would have found countless tinfoil chocolate egg wrappers. My recycling bin is more respectable, at least.

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  5. booze bought first.
    crackers and trash cans bought in desperation, at the end of the evening by the one person with a modicum of sobriety left. Crackers will “soak” up the booze (dontcha know!), trash bags are handy for discards and for discreet throwing up before dropping the kids off at their respective homes.

    Could you imagine the looks you would get pulling the pregnancy trick today? I did that too years ago, but today the clerk would probably refuse to sell it to us! That would be one hell of a stink eye!

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      1. oh that is hysterical!
        seriously, child services would be called by the clerk today
        The thought makes me giggle.

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  6. Love this post — I’m still cracking up about the pillow to buy beer — for all the crap we tried before being 21, I can’t believe we didn’t think up something like that. And our cheap beer was Busch. I promised myself upon graduating from college, I would never again drink that swill. While I didn’t keep too many promises while drinking, I can stand proudly say that I never did again drink Busch.

    Anyway, since I already think it’s teenagers, I’m thinking they were doing the cracker challenge, though, it supposed to be done with saltines. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saltine_cracker_challenge
    Perhaps with Townhouse crackers, they were successful? And BTW, I’m now cracking up that there’s such a long article on this on Wikipedia.

    Thanks for the smile…

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    1. I don’t mean to sound all braggy about my saliva, but I’m thinking 6 crackers, 60 seconds…how can that be hard? You know I have to try this now, right? That is one seriously thorough wikipedia page. I’ll leave the cinnamon challenge to the teens. I read once in a childhood book that cinnamon is poisonous in large quantities and it’s haunted me ever since.

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  7. I’m hoping that the crackers and the garbage bag belonged to the sane and sober driver. I shudder to imagine any other scenario.

    You are lovely in the photo, pillow or not. At the end of 1988 when I was actually pregnant with my son, my husband and I went to dinner with another couple. I got carded (we all did) and I wasn’t even planning on drinking. In Massachusetts they’ve simplified the determination of legal age by requiring every person buying alcohol to show a photo ID even if they’re 92!

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    1. I think they do that in PA too, though haven’t had to buy alcohol in some time. I hadn’t even thought of a sober driver…I hope that’s another change for the better that’s happened over the years.

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  8. There is so much in here, I don’t know where to start.

    Alright, let’s start with the pregnancy trick. Fiendishly clever, and how great is the 19 year-old mind to not give a hoot what a pregnant woman buying beer looks like?!? Oh man, I keep chuckling even as I’m typing, that is just so damn funny!

    I was once the Director of Residence Life at a college, and I can say with some authority that Keystone Light (and Natty Light) are definitely the types of beer college-aged kids purchase (I know this because I have confiscated many a case of it in my time!).

    So my official guess is that we have some college kids with a little foresight going on… thought to bring a trash bag, and, thought to grab whatever box of crackers Mom had in the pantry (in this case, Townhouse). Orange juice may have also been confiscated from the parental units; or, if guys were “hosting” this party and girls were invited, the orange juice may have been thrown into the mix to class up the joint (the girls would be all, “Oh no! We don’t drink beer, and we can’t drink straight vodka!” and the guys would be all, “Alright then, here’s a mixed drink for you!”).

    I could be part of a CSI team that does forensics on teen drinking parties, if I do say so myself. If such a team existed, I would absolutely bring Christy on board, for her outrageously clever scenarios to describe the cracker conundrum.

    Now that I’ve cracked this case… 🙂

    Thanks for the laugh, tonight! This post is the gift that keeps on giving, as I’m sure I’ll be pondering other scenarios all night!

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    1. You must have some great stories as former Director of Residence Life. What a challenging job too.

      My favorite part of your theory is that OJ was grabbed to class up the party and was probably stolen from mom’s fridge. It was Tropicana, and the fancy kind that comes in the fluted plastic container with the green lid. Might have had pulp. It was the good stuff, whereas all other beverages were bottom rail.

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  9. OK, here is an Aussie perspective: Bloody (excuse the language) hoons need their heads read! Man could get killed by chucking a bag o cans from ya ute. Didn’t even stop ta make sure the bag was tired properly, that’ll be a fine fa sure. Then the bloody possums rip the bloody thing apart en shit n stuff is all over me front lawn. Didn’t even have the guts to crush the box, bein cardboard n all, en put it in the yells top. Ignorant bastards.

    Or as would be reported: Rubbish was strewn over the neighbourhood by a passing car, only to be left to the local wildlife to scatter even further. Reports say that a cracker box found empty at the scene will provide much needed evidence in pursuing the culprits.

    Big laugh at this post BB and your teenage endeavours to subvert the law, were to be commended. B

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  10. Whaaaaat?! Too funny! That makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it – ugh. Oh, and how keystone light brings back the memories. I have to say the pillow case trick was pretty good. Why didn’t I ever think of that?! Thanks for making me laugh!

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  11. bahaha – first cracking up at Yosemite Sam – but really with this: “would you like a sugar coma with that blackout…”
    and the pic is so fun – love the rainbow tapestry in the back.
    the crackers are funny….
    and reminded me of my high school friend Kim…. probably not the same thing the crackers were used for – but before we’d go out to drink- she would stop at the store to get a little container of chocolate milk – it coated her stomach so she could drink more.
    and all I have to say is I am thankful that if I drank more than 3 beers I was sick – and so the “pain avoidance” and not being able to drink helped keep me in check – – and the grace of God….
    anyhow, never one for keystone light – but our cheap beer was Genesee Cream Ale – but then somehow- around 1987 – the advertising for Michelob light allured me (and later I have to share about an art project that still makes me think, really? WTF! – ha! but for another time).
    🙂
    and your beautiful smile has not changed at all!

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  12. I was thinking crackers, oj sounds like a pregnant person but hoping not w/ the vodka and beer. Yup, I am going w/ teens on this one. The empty cracker box might of been to help cushion the glass vodka bottle. Not that I ever did this before…..

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  13. LOL….LOL. AND this post is why I love reading & visiting your blog! Cause you just never know what is going to be written next! Crackers?….My dad used to drink “Old Milwaukee” beer! YUK!
    Love the new look of your blog too! Yes, I know…..it’s been awhile since my last visit. Been writing my next 2 books!
    Hugs & Blessings,
    *Cat*

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  14. i’m still loving that being pregnant meant you were old enough to buy beer and smokes, and that the clerk didn’t bat an eye! Fun to see that you’ve had your good looks your whole life!

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