So you don’t think I only write obnoxious posts about stuff I have done, I will write an obnoxious post about some things I have not done. 

 

MissionFailure

I did not finish CampNanoWrimo. I set a word count goal of 30,000 and only made it to 19,116. I was basically the kid who gets sent home the last week of camp due to an unfortunate incident involving fire ants. So I missed the end-0f-camp dance and bonfire, but maybe I learned archery, which is harder than it looks. One night I sat down to tap out a few words for campnanowrimo and found a story I didn’t even know my brain could create. It was all spit and no polish, but damn, it felt right.

I am not doing meditation or yoga class anymore, though I will probably come back to both at some point.

I am not sticking to my low sugar plan. I don’t have this one licked, folks, which makes me think of lollipops and ice cream cones, which I love very, very much and probably always will. I’ve gained a couple of pounds or I haven’t, depending on which day of the week I weigh myself and where (scales at doctor’s offices are assholes), but it really isn’t about the number. I don’t feel good after I binge because it feels like secretive self-sabotage and how I used to be and don’t want to be anymore.

Still, I am tired of trying to tame the sugar demon and think I might sit with him for awhile. I feel a certain tenderness towards my demons, no doubt due to Running on Sober’s poem about cuddling with hers. This is not the same as feeling like I want to give up or give in to old cravings, so I’m not sure how it will turn out yet.

I am trying new things I never would have before. I am learning which things I am good at (ie archery) and which I am not (ie fire ants). I report them here in my battle against the need for perfectionism and control. A little failure is in order here and now that I found it, I will linger with it for a bit in a way that feels decidedly sweet.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

 

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17 thoughts on “Unaccomplishments

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  1. Ha ha – loved this. It’s ok to have the human failings, and well, fail. I fail in spectacular fashions!! I too lost my battle with sugar….just this week. I was laughing at the binge part and feeling secretive and hating myself for it because that is how I used to be. I had a mini-binge yesterday and felt like blech. I could only imagine what would happen if booze came back into my life…game, set and match! So don’t get bummed about it. I’m with ya. I will have to get a 24 hr chip when I get back on that wagon…ha ha. I too have gained some back – no surprise (I have been getting hot and heavy with the carbs too, so that might have something to do with it as well)

    Nonetheless, I loved the topic here – getting to the things that we don’t always nail. I was terrified in sobriety about not nailing everything – an old character defect of mine. “Scrupulous” as one old time called me (that’s another blog post) – so I am always protective of my failings…something i have to work on. So it was with such delight to see yours and I feel that I don’t have to hold my stomach in 9so to speak) and just relax! You’ve helped me see that I don’t have to be on spot, on target (to use your archery analogy) and have my winning ways. It’s ok to just be human. Sometimes my head forgets that.

    Beautiful stuff, and a great reminder for me…progress, not perfection.

    Have a wonderful weekend.

    Love and light,
    Paul

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    1. We need food to survive and need to stay away from alcohol to survive. Falling off the sugar/carb wagon won’t kill us and I’m going to try climbing back on and maybe riding in the back seat and sweet jesus I need to quit with the analogies already.

      I find it incredibly comforting to know I’m not alone here, which is to say I completely understand what you’re saying. Thank you.

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  2. Wah ha! Me too on the sugar part. I have been embracing it , and it has been embracing my face with a big zit here and there. But cookies are delicious. My plan to run 5 days a week hasn’t really come to fruition either. But I’m trying, and so I get to say that, and to not feel bad. I have not meditated at all, and I have also been using coffee as a treat: which I must stop soon or I may never sleep normally again. *fist shake in air* We can be failures at perfection together. Thank goodness. 🙂

    p.s. 30,000 is a lot of words. it kind of makes me want to beat myself in the head with my computer. i feel like that would be like a 30,000 pound elephant, and I would be a folding chair. I am totally impressed with the thousands of words you wrote. 🙂

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  3. Last Friday I met a couple of fellas for a little face to face business. In the past this would have been a meeting over beers. Rather than a bar I suggested a pie shop. That’s right, three guys slamming down pie and coffee at 5:00pm on a Friday. I had two slices. We actually had a great meeting and got a lot of work done. Go figure.

    I’m not too good with jokes but I like this one. Hope you have not heard it already.

    Man/woman conversation…

    Woman: Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes

    Woman: How many per day?

    Man: Usually about three.

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.

    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

    Man: About 20 years I suppose.

    Woman: So a beer costs five dollars and you drink three a day so that puts your spending each month at $450. In one year it would be approxiamtely $5400, correct?

    Man: Correct

    Woman: If in one year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Woman: Do you know if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

    Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No.

    Man: Do you have a Ferrari?

    End of joke.

    Me: Obviously a fairy tale since it only involves three beers per day. Happy Friday!

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  4. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve NEVER been a big sugar gal. I LOVE food, but I’d rather take a good foie gras, mushroom risotto..or my downfall, anything that has “fried” and “chicken” in it! But since I’ve been sober – my last few months are starts and stops, but now I’m on full stop; I have totally craved sugar. The old me would want a bit of chocolate or two – but now, I’m into cake, cookies, pies..etc. I’m sure it has something to do with the alcohol sugars being gone now, of course, but I have to be careful or I’ll grow a zillion pounds! But, as you said – this is not going to kill us! It’s MUCH better than alcohol! I remember Stephanie Wilder Taylor (fabulous writer, comedian, recovering alcoholic) saying she ate jelly beans every night for a long time. And you know? We’re not drinking -so who cares?? It’s progress….and yes, not perfect 🙂 Great post!

    Here’s Stepahnie’s website if you don’t know it already…http://stefaniewildertaylor.com/category/dont-get-drunk/

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  5. Ditto for every bullet point on your “Things I Have Not Done” list (although substitute salt for sugar with me, your lollipops and ice cream cones are my soft pretzels and Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips), and I could add a few more. Every time I even half begin to beat myself up for not sticking to a diet, or exercise plan, I remind myself that I now have the tools, and believe that when I am ready to make the change, I will make it, and I’m not going waste time fretting about it. I am clean and sober, and if I can, by the grace of God, accomplish that feat, then I can do anything!

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  6. I think sitting for a spell with your “demons” is okay, and even needed. I think sometimes, like us all, they just want to be heard. Our drinking stemmed from denial, from running away from our demons, not from sitting with them. (You’ll like the Anne Lamott piece tomorrow.) That’s the only way to truly defeat them, by not fighting with them.

    Which reminds me totally incidentally of another saying:
    “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

    I’m not sure it has anything to do with anything, but maybe it does. If anything, it makes me smile and think of bacon.

    Thanks for the mention, have a great weekend!

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    1. Isn’t it a rush when those stories bloom from out of nowhere and they leave you looking around like, “Whoah! Where’d that come from?” It’s hard to not try too hard, it’s hard to not yank them out of the ground before they are fully bloomed, we have to learn and practice trust and patience. Says Kary to herself.

      I’m 599 Days sober today and the sugar cravings seemed to have abated somewhat. If I let it in the house it takes over and suddenly it’s like that guest that keeps making excuses to hang around one more day and then one more weeks, sleeping on my couch, leaving wet towels on the floor, and hogging the remote. I finally get sick of “it” and throw it out for a few weeks until my memory shortens and I let it back in. These days I’m trying to get 15 pounds off and I’m trying to stick to a 1500 calorie daily limit which doesn’t leave much room for “it” on the couch, so far, so good.

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