The 30 day sugar quit is going well. I haven’t succumbed to temptation, though I’m surrounded by sweets at home. It reminds me so much of the months after I quit the drink. I’d be in the kitchen making dinner and see my husband’s beer on the counter and think “oh there you are”. The crushing disappointment and resentment that swelled up seconds later was I guess why they recommend you remove all alcohol from the home in early sobriety. Whoever they are. It wasn’t an option for me then and it isn’t an option now with dessert. To tell the truth, I take almost sadistic pleasure in depriving myself and not giving in to these base urges for comfort. This would worry me more if I didn’t remember how badly I felt while strung out on sugar just last month.
I lost the rest of the holiday five last week. I’m eating a lot better and mostly untroubled by cravings during the week. My trigger times are weekends, which probably explains why I had a rough time emotionally on Saturday. Little (big) things set me off that normally don’t. I don’t have my crutch of sugary, numbing foods anymore. It is no coincidence that I breezed through the holiday season and abused sugar throughout. Now it is is time to find healthier ways of coping with stress.
I took my first meditation class yesterday. Actually, it was a combo yoga/meditation class, and best of all it was included in our Y membership. The instructor seemed peaceful and centered. As we say in recovery, I want what she has.
She started with about 10 minutes of instruction, which focused on the throat chakra. I’d heard the word chakra before, but if someone had asked me what it meant, I might have guessed something you eat or wear on your feet. How fitting then that I started class the day she talked about the importance of opening up your throat chakra not only to say what’s in your heart, but to communicate it in a way that is loving and respectful. I waiver between stifling and stuffing down what I really feel and letting it spew out in scalding sheets. I am ready to work on this.
The good news is the lack of sugar hasn’t triggered any cravings for drink. I was worried about this before I started, but if anything I feel more reminded of how deep and ugly that need for alcohol was at the end of my drinking days. This unleashing of old, painful memories reminds me of where I was around the 6-month mark in sobriety, when I started feeling feelings again and they just kept coming at me. I remember it as a scary, trying time, but one I got through. This time around, the challenge of what to do with uncomfortable feelings is more familiar. I know I will get through it and I also know a little better what helps and what doesn’t. I guess this is the whole point.