The good: I survived the holidays with nary a thought about drinking.
The bad: I hoovered cookies like the mayans were right. (special nod to B for reminding me that hoover is a fine verb.)
Don’t worry, I’m not climbing up on the soapbox today to preach the evils of refined sugar, mainly because it doesn’t fuel long-lasting energy or clear thinking, apparently. I just noticed that I definitely replaced alcohol with other, less destructive forms of self-medication to survive the holidays. I feel aware of this in a detached sort of way and also notice these substitutes aren’t really working anymore. I wonder why that is.
Christmas as a season was excellent. One day I took my kids to see A Christmas Story in an old movie theater and felt like I’d traveled back in time to that perfect Christmas when I got a barbie pool under the tree and a kitten in my stocking. Then Christmas day came, and even then I was fine until I went home for the holidays. Nothing noteworthy happened – the visit just stirred up feelings of not good enough and disappointment that are hard to pinpoint. And I know they’re all me, which makes it more frustrating.
Spending time around family is what the holidays are all about. It’s also my #1 trigger because I absorb all the expectations – real and imagined – of others for this perfect holiday and family. I am most at peace when I let go of outcomes and expectations, yet I seem to lose my ability to let go the more interaction I have with others. I’m no mathlete, but this seems an equation for unease and unrest over the holidays.
It is up to me to add back to my reserves. I exercised this morning after taking several days off and felt the boost in energy and mood. Tonight I’ll go to the movies with my kid and tomorrow maybe we’ll get our first real snowfall of the season. I’m looking forward to both of these simple pleasures and I don’t really care how they turn out. Sunday we’ll strip and scrap the Christmas tree because that’s what you do at the end of the year. It was a good tree, a beautiful one, really. I’m sad to see it go but I’m excited about the new year and whatever challenges and changes it brings.
Wishing you and yours a peaceful end to 2012 and a happy and healthy 2013.