Tuesday is the deceptively quiet day of the week no one ever suspects. You pull up your shirt up to show bite marks along your back and people say “are you sure that wasn’t Monday?” and you shake your head no, no.
Since school started up again, my Tuesdays are packed fat from morning til night. Some of it is elective but most is not. The elective stuff is walking with my friend and my weekly recovery meeting.
I could skip or reschedule the walk, but my friend just asked if I’m up for walking in the rain and for some reason this is so appealing I said sure (update: we both realized this is a stupid idea; schedule is lighter already). I could skip my weekly meeting, but it’s like home base. I know and like the people and I feel comfortable sharing or not sharing, plus it’s 5 minutes from home.
Taking on too much is a character flaw of mine. It’s a flaw because I pretend I can handle it – and I can in the practical, physical sense. Inside I’m freaking the fuck out. I’m wondering how I’m going to meet someone in 10 minutes when I’m 15 minutes away…I’m worrying where I’m going to find parking when I’m still 5 minutes away…I’m preheating the oven for dinner in my head before I even pull into the driveway. I’m nuts.
I’m not a supermom or superwoman. I am an unrealistically optimistic people pleaser. In an effort to make everyone happy, I say sure. Yes to walking after work and then dance class and dinner on the table as usual and sure I can swing by on my magic carpet and pick you up from play practice. I wish I was like my more assertive girlfriends who get help and regular alone time. I have a hard time getting my needs met. I have a hard time looking at my needs. My needs seem weak and ugly. The fact is I am too afraid to ask for help. I’m afraid I’ll draw attention to my incompetence or make more work for myself or create drama in asking for help. I’m afraid it won’t be there.
I asked my friend if she wants to walk another day of the week starting next week. It’s a start. Tuesday does make me appreciate the hell out of Wednesday. Tuesday tries to kill me, the rest of the days nurse me back to health. I have to remember I created my Tuesday…it is my monster.