Take me down Tuesday

Tuesday is the deceptively quiet day of the week no one ever suspects. You pull up your shirt up to show bite marks along your back and people say “are you sure that wasn’t Monday?” and you shake your head no, no.

Since school started up again, my Tuesdays are packed fat from morning til night. Some of it is elective but most is not. The elective stuff is walking with my friend and my weekly recovery meeting.

I could skip or reschedule the walk, but my friend just  asked if I’m up for walking in the rain and for some reason this is so appealing I said sure (update: we both realized this is a stupid idea; schedule is lighter already). I could skip my weekly meeting, but it’s like home base. I know and like the people and I feel comfortable sharing or not sharing, plus it’s 5 minutes from home.

Taking on too much is a character flaw of mine. It’s a flaw because I pretend I can handle it – and I can in the practical, physical sense. Inside I’m freaking the fuck out. I’m wondering how I’m going to meet someone in 10 minutes when I’m 15 minutes away…I’m worrying where I’m going to find parking when I’m still 5 minutes away…I’m preheating the oven for dinner in my head before I even pull into the driveway. I’m nuts.

I’m not a supermom or superwoman. I am an unrealistically optimistic people pleaser. In an effort to make everyone happy, I say sure. Yes to walking after work and then dance class and dinner on the table as usual and sure I can swing by on my magic carpet and pick you up from play practice. I wish I was like my more assertive girlfriends who get help and regular alone time. I have a hard time getting my needs met. I have a hard time looking at my needs. My needs seem weak and ugly. The fact is I am too afraid to ask for help. I’m afraid I’ll draw attention to my incompetence or make more work for myself or create drama in asking for help. I’m afraid it won’t be there.

I asked my friend if she wants to walk another day of the week starting next week. It’s a start. Tuesday does make me appreciate the hell out of Wednesday. Tuesday tries to kill me, the rest of the days nurse me back to health. I have to remember I created my Tuesday…it is my monster.

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17 thoughts on “Take me down Tuesday

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  1. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, harder than quitting smoking OR drinking (if you can believe that), was learning to admit when I need help and learning to be vulnerable and let my needs be known. Fact is…I’m still working on it.

    But I have learned to just say no sometimes. I still hate it and I still am afraid that someone might not like me anymore because I said no. No I can’t watch your child this weekend. No I can’t go out with you for girl’s night. No you can’t come over right now, I’m busy.

    Just typing that makes me feel selfish.

    But I realized that I’m no good to anyone if I can’t even understand what my own damn self needs and then go get it.

    It’s a process. Progress not perfection. You’ll get it. Don’t worry.

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    1. Your needs aren’t selfish. I don’t even feel like I help others too much. This is mostly family stuff. But it’s stressing me out so I need to be more realistic when committing to things. Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to write this stuff out.

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  2. I’m glad you shared this. I go from one extreme to another- I either say yes too much or, more frequently since I’ve quit drinking, I say no too quickly. I am actually wanting to be more of a yes person again, but I know serenity occurs somewhere in the middle and, more specifically, in answering honestly about our needs, wants and timetables.

    I’m not a fan of Tuesday. It’s my least favorite day of the week. It seems whenever I’ve received really bad news or had bad things happen, it was a Tuesday. I thought I was the only one.

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    1. Towards the end of my drinking, I did almost nothing extra. Now that I have my shit more together, I want to help but yeah, need to find that balance. That’s exactly what it is.

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  3. Wow. i, too, am “an unrealistically optimistic people pleaser.” i, too, “am too afraid to ask for help.” (Un)Fortunately, i’ve been going through stuff these last few months that felt like what was going on just before i crashed and burned and bottomed out so i overcame my pride and reached out to a few people. It wasn’t easy and i wouldn’t say i felt good about it, in fact i felt kind of “weak and ugly”, but the bottom line is i did not go back to the bottle and that’s a victory no matter how you slice it. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing this.

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  4. “Tuesday is the deceptively quiet day of the week no one ever suspects. You pull up your shirt up to show bite marks along your back and people say “are you sure that wasn’t Monday?” and you shake your head no, no”

    God, I love the way you write.
    My problem is not saying “Yes” to everything because I can’t say no, my problem is saying “Yes” to everything because I don’t think anybody else can do it the way I want it done, which is the right way, and I’m the only one that knows how to do that, of course. I had a secretary once and she had the easiest job in the world because I never gave her anything to do. But you know what? I’m kind of glad to see this bitch back. She’s so much better than the girl that just didn’t give a shit about anything anymore.

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  5. My ex husband is a lot like that. I will admit that I have no problem saying no, however there is always a little, teensy twinge in the back of head that wants to say ‘yes’ because I feel like I’m going to miss out on all the fun and interaction if I beg off. As an over-doer, he put a lot of pressure on me for ‘not doing enough’ even though he knew that I was at my breaking point a lot of the time just trying to manage the household, our rentals, the kids, and his business. So, I got called things like ‘lazy’ and ‘anti social’ and ‘living in a bubble.’ It was hurtful and cruel and after the divorce I decided that I was going to revel in my aloneness and only take on what I feel is absolutely critical to my kids and my daily maintenance.

    However, I do have a ‘Tuesday’ and its Wednesday. From the crack of dawn until bedtime I am out of the house. And its exhausting lol.

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  6. I can really, really relate to this post. Taking on too much to be everyone to everybody or to keep from missing out on something. I’m so glad we have a program which teaches us that this is actually not a virtue because I sure as hell thought it was!

    Love the bitemarks reference!

    XO

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  7. Very much share your sentiments. I think most women in general (and moms in particular) are people pleasers who ultimately place their own needs last. So many reasons. Like you I was afraid of people not liking me if I said no. Then I thought about this irrational fear in-depth. Why?? What would happen?? Would they take their love away and leave me all alone in the world? My self-esteem was too low to think that I deserved to do what’s best for me (by saying no sometimes), and asking for help when I need it. This was because I was afraid that no one would help. And that would be affirmation of my un-worthiness. Since, I’m working on valuing myself more, and prioritizing my time. Still having problems with the reaching out for help, though..

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  8. Hmm – frightening familiar stuff… I do take on too much, somehow I then often bluff through it and “get away with it” but feel so bad about it that it stresses me out after the event as well as before and during! Nuts!

    Hold on to the home group – get a schedule that does work around that – I’ve found that even if I only get to my home group regularly that contact with AA is vital to me, keeps me in the game so to speak.

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