At 5:30 this morning, I was on the phone with my bank trying to stop a duplicate payment to my credit card company. The call got dropped twice, which means I had to suffer through an automated menu three times. I wish there was a recorded collection of people yelling at automated menus. Operator! OPERATOR! Cocksucker! I think it would be hilarious to listen to, all that misdirected anger.
I made the duplicate payment after I got a mistaken ‘payment past due’ email Sunday night from a billpay site I signed up for to simplify my life. I reacted emotionally instead of waiting to look at it with a clear eye the next morning. The dropped calls were because we dropped our landline a year ago to simplify our lives. This only makes sense when your cell phone works in your house.
I am starting to understand that less is more. Sometimes not doing anything at all is the right thing to do. Or not do. Whatever.
I am starting to see my role in mistakes because I don’t feel threatened like I once did. Now I catch myself doing things like overreacting or taking on too much and it’s like I’m watching myself from a curiously detached place that’s more comfortable than uncomfortable. It’s like those instructional videos where you’re watching a catastrophic scene unfold and the narrator suddenly shouts STOP! and the scene freezes in time. I have the freedom to stop messing up whenever I choose to.
This morning a friend sent this to me an email, apropos of nothing:
“It’s not the awareness of our defects that causes us the most agony – it’s the defects themselves.”
My defects aren’t me. They’re defense mechanisms or bad habits I developed over the years while I was busy avoiding uncomfortable feelings. And hey, life is hard unfiltered. The only way I’ve found any peace lately is by letting go of drama and noise (this applies to people as well as things). I deleted my account from that billpay site yesterday. Felt great. I’m trying to clean house in other areas of my life so I can be the kind of person I’d want to spend time with. Progress is slow, but it’s there and I believe it will continue if I keep trying. Sobriety has taught me that more than anything.