Where I’m at

Maybe I don’t like the word journey because at some point in the late 90s, it got fused with incredible or amazing and was overused by everyone, but mostly reality tv show twenty-somethings trying to sound wise. Maybe journey makes me think of Steve Perry’s mullet, which makes me feel depressed because I remember when mullets were first born.

These days I can’t avoid the word journey because it is the word in recovery-speak and also because I am on a muther of a journey every day of my life and it mostly rocks like a mullet, which is to say pretty hard.

Before my husband and I moved in together, we long-distance dated for half a year and flew out to see each other a few times. My favorite visit was when I went out in fall and he surprised me with a baggie of psychedelic mushrooms*, which he ruined a perfectly good pizza with by sprinkling them on top. Psychedelic mushrooms taste like chewy sponges soaked in formaldehyde, which is probably what they are. We ate the terrible pizza and tripped for the next several hours and at one point I looked him in the eye and asked “where are you at, man?” and we still say that to each other because it entertains us, plus it’s a very good question.

I still haven’t learned to slow down and enjoy where I’m at, but I’m getting there. I still don’t like it when people say “it’s about the journey, not the destination” but now I can admit they’re on to something. Yesterday my husband was packing for a flight and said “I just want to get there…I hate the build up and anticipation.” He has to deal with airport security and a long flight, plus getting to the hotel and all that crap, so it makes sense in his case. But I live that way everyday.

In sobriety, it is getting easier to notice when I clench my jaw in anticipation of stress and remind myself that I should just focus on the moment, which is smaller and more beautiful than anything I could possibly imagine. It took me a long time to get here (close to a year?) and it’s a promising first step to becoming the laid back person I used to be and miss very much. I feel like I self-medicated stress with drinking and skipped the part about developing coping skills.

I don’t really know what coping skills are yet, but I like the sound of them. I suspect I’ve been developing peripheral ones in the way of exercising regularly and journaling some of my angst. I have become infinitely more patient with my children in the last six months, so something good is happening. There are other coping skills I still need to harvest, and right now I feel I am on the right path (ok, journey).

* Lest you think I’m recommending recreational use of psychedelics, which already taste like formaldehyde, I will also point out that I spent the last hour of that trip washing my face and hair in the shower after I made the mistake of looking in the bathroom mirror. Maybe it was just me, but I could never look myself in the eye when I tripped.

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19 thoughts on “Where I’m at

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  1. This brings back memories of the one and only time I took mushrooms with my husband. It also makes me think of one of the draws of drinking (and psychedelics for that matter) which is that it makes things seem more interesting than they are on the surface. I’ve found that when I take the time to notice little things that I normally rush through, I find something interesting in them that I didn’t think was there. I need to remind myself to do it more often!

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  2. Really enjoyed this one: the mullets, Steve Perry, shrooms, pizza, coping skills…. Yep, yep, yep. Except the shrooms, never went down that road. The closest I came was with some crazy “laced with something” pot, a laser show, and a mad desire to just go to sleep so I could wake up and feel normal again.
    “Where are you *at*, man” is classic. I love it as much as the “maybe I was just resentful of the pot” post. 🙂
    I now have this sudden urge to crank up “Separate Lives” and tease my hair.

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  3. ROFLMAO! I spent nearly a half hour brushing my teeth once because the trip I was on made them taste like they had sweaters. I just couldn’t get the fuzz off my teeth.

    I’m not a big fan of the whole ‘journey’ thing either. Actually a lot of the recovery speak kind of irks. But I try to look beyond the pat phraseology and look for how the meaning pertains to my life (er….journey lol.)

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  4. Where are you at? I’m actually good right now, the work thing is getting better as I’m beginning to tick some stuff off and the new office move has been a held etc. Personal tax finance situation is dealt with and I can’t believe how well I actually coped with that as well! The CD is out etc. etc. I’m grateful – I’ve negotiated a few little turns and diversions recently and now I’m feeling back on the level straight path.. but that’ll change at some point.

    Happiness is the Road – a Marillion album and track – I like that as a sort of motto now for me… Happiness IS the road 🙂

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  5. gee, THANKS for the journey song. thanks a lot… am i the only one who, when busy in the kitchen, gets a song fragment stuck in my head that just repeats and repeats? Mine now is OH SHERRY, our love, hold on, hold on. Thanks 🙂 happy to find your blog. even if …

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  6. I love this post! So fun! Love the whole mushroom thing. They were my favorite! I didn’t even mind the taste because I knew I was going to be laughing my ass off and seeing cool shit for the next few hours. My friend actually grew a snout right before my very eyes. I was so glad I thought it was funny because it could have really ruined my whole trip for me! This may sound not so great to some, my actually use my experiences with hallucinogens to practice being in the moment. I can remember feeling ” fascinated” or pure joy in moments as I never had been able to when straight. So I try to recreate that mindset when I stare at something really interesting.

    XO

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    1. I can see what you mean and it kind of goes with what Karen from LessScripted said about finding life’s little moments more interesting in sobriety. I would be much more troubled about someone growing a snout before my eyes these days 😉

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  7. Oh, I’m so glad Christy sent me here today. You are amazing, my friend.
    Loved this!!
    Anyone who can talk about mullets with such vivacious grace and tenacity is a forever friend in my book. xo

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  8. July of 2012…
    great post! agreed with all of it but the not looking at myself in the mirror while on mushrooms (or, c’mon, “shrooms!”). I always thought i looked hot while high . I was wrong, but it was part of the trip!

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