Last night was my home group meeting. It’s the only one I go to these days. I guess I need to change that, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to give up precious weekend time to sit in a meeting anxiously waiting for my turn to introduce myself as “Kristen…alcoholic“. I hate the meetings that force me to speak, even if it’s just to share my name.
Anyway, it was an okay meeting last night. The speaker was interesting and sharp and he said something I’d never heard before that amends doesn’t mean apologies…that amend actually means to change something. I’d never thought of it that way, though I’m still ages away from doing step 9. Just something to take away and store for later.
A lot of people who shared last night were angry about this thing or that thing. They were valid things to be angry about, but I get nervous when more than one person presents a certain way because I worry I’ll pick it up. I’m highly suggestible and I hate that about myself. (does it make me angry, perhaps?)
After the meeting, I spoke to another regular at the meeting and remarked that I love her positive-ness and energy and that it was nice to see her start to notice the changes of early sobriety. She had just shared about them at the meeting, but the way it came out of my mouth it sounded like I was this old-timer praising a newcomer. The woman has like 4 months less sobriety than I do. Sheesh. This is why I tend to keep my mouth closed at meetings.
Then I was talking to another woman I’ve struck up a friendship with and I really like her and she’s got this beautiful spirit, although she’s dealing with some shit in her life that I’d have no idea how to cope with sober. She started to talk about losing faith in god and I heard myself giving her permission to feel a certain way or do a certain thing and then thought “who the fuck do I think I am?” It’s like I have this need to smooth things over and I can’t just be in the moment and listen and do nothing at all.
I hate when I feel like that…like I feel what they’re struggling with and need to tell them it’ll all be okay. I might know what I would want to hear, but everybody’s different. Our stories before we stopped drinking are so different. Our lives after we stop are no different.
In moments like these I want to retreat to a comfortable life where I won’t mess with anyone at all. I won’t feel awkward and I won’t struggle and I won’t hurt. I will sit on a log all day and watch the sun crawl slowly into the sky and then back down again. I will feel comfortable and in control but restless and sick. This is how my recovery works…I have to keep moving.
I’ll start working on step 4. I’ve never felt more ripe for change, and besides, I really need it. This much, I know.