I have a little googling problem, but that’s hardly news. I love my internet as much as I used to love my drink and still love my sugar. But if I wasn’t online so much, I wouldn’t have found so much information and support in recovery. It’s all about finding balance.
Yesterday I looked up (googled) foods to avoid during phase 1 of the South Beach Diet, which I stumbled across while researching (googling) ways to reduce insane sugar cravings, which I read (googled) might be from quitting the booze. I found a blog filled with recipes and great information on the south beach plan. The woman behind the blog wrote that she’d lost a ton of weight on south beach back in 2005 and had kept it off for years. Then, about five years into her weight loss, she noticed some of it creeping back. She had grown lax in her diet and ate more junk and, no big shock, gained some weight back. Maybe she thought she had a handle on her new habits and could afford to cheat a little here and there and it got out of hand. Maybe her brain or body grew restless with the unnatural state of deprivation. She’s still blogging and recommitting efforts to get back on track, so hers is an encouraging story.
Some part of me always thinks a person who lost a bunch of weight or kicked addiction will eventually revert back to their old self. The self-destructive voice in my head worries I can’t stay sober or thinner (but not thin) over time. I feel like I can do both right now because the rewards of sobriety and having a healthy weight outweigh the discomforts. But what about over time? Even if I do my best to stay vigilant, is there some built-in homing device in my brain that needs to take me back? In other words, do people ever really change?
For now I need to do everything I can to stay interested and engaged in recovery or I have a good chance of growing complacent and slipping. Likewise, I need to continue to exercise and change my eating habits and focus on how good those things feel or I will grow fat and unhappy. Still, I’m reminded of streams of water rushing downill after a storm. Water seeks its own level. Balance is not a normal state in humans, so instead I fear I’m naturally inclined to return to excess and flaw because that force is really strong. I worry I don’t have a lifetime of fight in me.
My hope is that I can change the level my brain associates with comfort and happiness and peace. This is where my belief in a higher power comes in because I have no idea how to do this beyond today. It’s baby steps or one day at a time or however you want to put it, but still it’s just enough out of my control that I take a step back and find hope and comfort there.