I started this blog back in September when I was about 3 months sober. Already I regret the name byebyebeer. It’s almost as if I chose it while still drinking.
But I’m gonna stick with it for now because I have no idea how to change it. (update: I am stuck with it forever.)
I already keep a personal blog and have been incorporating posts on my sobriety because 1) it’s who I am and I’m a pretty honest and open person and 2) it’s a personal blog, so not everyone I know even knows about it, which makes me open and honest to a point.
Lately, though, I’ve really been struggling with my sobriety. My sponsor told me this is not uncommon for people with 6 months. I had never heard this before, so found it comforting. Afterall, I thought this staying sober thing was supposed to get easier over time.
And yes, I have a sponsor. I have been going to recovery meetings from the beginning, though only manage about two a week. This has worked for me. I find a lot of comfort in the rooms and have met some wonderful people, but I don’t get involved as recommended. Sometimes I show up late to meetings and leave right after they’re done. I hate standing around awkwardly waiting to make small talk with strangers. It’s hard. I can’t help but wonder if this is why I’m struggling. Maybe I’m not using the program like I should.
Let me be clear also as to how I’ve been struggling. The pink cloud dumped me off about a month ago. I was riding high for months, waking up each and every morning happy and grateful to be sober. I read my Big Book each night and the ritual was almost as comforting as drinking. I went to meetings and the topics seemed to be magically, specifically tailored to me.
And then that stopped. Almost abruptly. And then I went through some albeit self-inflicted drama when I stopped taking my anti-depressant, and so that probably had a lot to do with it too (which I’m addressing with my doctor now). But the holidays approached and so did the stress and finally I found myself wrapping presents three days before Christmas and just sobbing because I wanted a drink so badly. And I hadn’t felt that obsession or craving, like, ever. So why at 6 months?
By the way, I didn’t drink that day. I sort of said a silent prayer of “god please help me” and the craving passed. I can only imagine the prayer helped. That spiritual component has been planted and taken root, though it feels like it’s growing very slowly. I have all the time in the world if that’s what it takes. I just hope I’m on the right track.