Six Months

I started this blog back in September when I was about 3 months sober. Already I regret the name byebyebeer. It’s almost as if I chose it while still drinking.

But I’m gonna stick with it for now because I have no idea how to change it. (update: I am stuck with it forever.)

I already keep a personal blog and have been incorporating posts on my sobriety because 1) it’s who I am and I’m a pretty honest and open person and 2) it’s a personal blog, so not everyone I know even knows about it, which makes me open and honest to a point.

Lately, though, I’ve really been struggling with my sobriety. My sponsor told me this is not uncommon for people with 6 months. I had never heard this before, so found it comforting. Afterall, I thought this staying sober thing was supposed to get easier over time.

And yes, I have a sponsor. I have been going to recovery meetings from the beginning, though only manage about two a week. This has worked for me. I find a lot of comfort in the rooms and have met some wonderful people, but I don’t get involved as recommended. Sometimes I show up late to meetings and leave right after they’re done. I hate standing around awkwardly waiting to make small talk with strangers. It’s hard. I can’t help but wonder if this is why I’m struggling. Maybe I’m not using the program like I should.

Let me be clear also as to how I’ve been struggling. The pink cloud dumped me off about a month ago. I was riding high for months, waking up each and every morning happy and grateful to be sober. I read my Big Book each night and the ritual was almost as comforting as drinking. I went to meetings and the topics seemed to be magically, specifically tailored to me.

And then that stopped. Almost abruptly. And then I went through some albeit self-inflicted drama when I stopped taking my anti-depressant, and so that probably had a lot to do with it too (which I’m addressing with my doctor now). But the holidays approached and so did the stress and finally I found myself wrapping presents three days before Christmas and just sobbing because I wanted a drink so badly. And I hadn’t felt that obsession or craving, like, ever. So why at 6 months?

By the way, I didn’t drink that day. I sort of said a silent prayer of “god please help me” and the craving passed. I can only imagine the prayer helped. That spiritual component has been planted and taken root, though it feels like it’s growing very slowly. I have all the time in the world if that’s what it takes. I just hope I’m on the right track.

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2 thoughts on “Six Months

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  1. Don’t regret the name. It’s great. Have you ever run a marathon? When you do somewhere between 18 and 22 miles you hit the wall. You think you can’t go another step and want to quit, but if you push through you get to the other side. All of a sudden you feel great, euphoric and when you cross the finish line you get emotional. For you every day is a finish line and you start over the next day. Always remember never to stop and the wall. Always break through because it gets better.

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